The kids are gone, now what?

In the last post, I wrote about the transition of sending your children away to college. Today's post is a follow up with a focus on the parents who are left behind. Many people joke about the relief of having the house all to themselves once children are gone and while that may be the case, the house can be awfully quiet and lonely at the same time. No longer is the hustle and bustle flowing in and out of your house, rather, it's time to establish a new pace.

This time can be especially difficult on parents, this is what we call the Empty Nest Syndrome. The Empty Nest Syndrome is characterized by feelings of loneliness and depression when your children leave home. Transitions and changes are difficult and it's a time to redefine your role. Your identity as super mom or super dad can move more to the side and energy towards other relationships can be the focus of your attention.

Sending kids away to college

Growing up my mom would always celebrate this time of year. There was a Staples back-to-school commercial that would show a dad gliding on a shopping cart through the aisles with his head flung back and a wide grin on his face while his children begrudgingly walked behind him with their own soured expression. He was thrilled for his kids to return to school, while the children clearly were not. Meanwhile, the song, "It's the most wonderful time of the year," would play in the background. My mom would laugh and laugh each time that commercial came on! However, when it was time for me to go away to college, that laughter turned into tears...for my mom and for me.

When "I'm sorry" just isn't enough

What do you do when you mess up, hurt someone's feelings, or offend your partner? Do you become defensive, disengage, or attack? As humans, we are bound to mess up and, at the same time, we can make things right. However, making things better doesn't always come easy.

One factor in making things better is an apology. In my experience, I've come across 5 different types of people when it comes to apologies (this is not an exhaustive list nor has it been verified by research, these are my own descriptions):

• The Over-Apologizer
• The "I'm-sorry-BUT..."
• The "I'm-sorry-IF..."
• The Never Apologizer
• The Sincere Apologizer

March Madness, Play Fair

Typically we don't watch tv, but for the last week our eyes have been glued to the screen! It's March Madness, one of our favorite times of the year...one of the NCAA regional tournaments has been housed in our very own Time Warner Arena in Charlotte! Talk about exciting!

One of the best parts about the games is the nail biting finish watching players throw last minute shots to break a tie, separating the winning team from the losing team. Basketball is an amazing sport, highlighting talented players!

Relationships can learn from the basketball play books. The secret to having a winning team is in preparation, practice, and playing fair. The following three tips show how relationships can grow from the same strategies that college basketball players use to improve their game and strengthen their teamwork.

Bullying and Protecting your Kids

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me," was a clever saying I learned growing up. Truth is words do hurt; words deeply penetrate our vulnerable selves. To help protect others from the hurt and loss bullying causes, the White House created a new anti-bullying initiative. Bullying can take many forms, such as using power to intimidate another, including physical violence, verbal and non-verbal abuse (e.g., name-calling, teasing, threatening looks).

As I think about this topic, bullying, I remember a time in my life when I was the one bullied and, at times, I was the one bullying. Neither scenario do I like to remember, but it illustrates the complexity experienced in either role. In third grade, it was very important to be part of a group of girls. We had our "leader" and it was important to be on her good side. Each week, however, one of the girls in the group was on the "out." When it was my turn to be "out" it felt miserable. None of the girls played with me, they said cruel things, I was a nobody. I remember scrambling at home trying to make something and take back to school the next day as a way to buy their friendship back. Once I got back "in" I felt a sense of belongingness and safety. But me being "in" meant some other girl was "out." Being part of the group, I went along with being the bully. Knowing how  powerless it was to be on the out, I enjoyed the new found power I felt within the group. No, it was not fair nor was it right...in either role. To this day, as an adult, I still feel a sense of shame when I trace back to that time and view my roles as the one bullied and the one who bullied.

In today's day and age, bullying has taken on more power and is more far-reaching than during the time I was a child. Due to multiple online social outlets, bullying can travel with speed, be more public, and have anonymity. We can start shifting this harmful culture of abuse, by identifying some of the myths that keep bullying in power. 

Spring cleaning. Clear the way for good things.

Growing up in Arizona for most of my life, the weather stayed sunny and warm, if not hot, most of the year. Experiencing 4 months of bone-chilling cold, gray skies, and occasional snow days has got me fantasizing about becoming a "snow bird." Needless to say, I'm still adjusting to the winter season in the Carolinas. Thankfully, spring is just around the corner!

Springtime is notorious for making a checklist about things to clean, clear, or just get rid of. Putting your house list aside, when was the last time you spring cleaned your life? Envision yourself beginning a new season feeling uncluttered, renewed, and fresh!

Here's a spring cleaning checklist for you to consider as you go into this new season of sun and warmth!

Life in a rut? Ways to help you feel alive.

Has your life lost its excitement? Do you feel like you are repeating yourself day in and day out? If you are feeling this way, you've begun to notice that your life has become stuck in a pattern that isn't fulfilling. In addition, you've probably said to yourself that you need a change...this blog is devoted to examining those patterns that cause the rut you're experiencing, taking steps towards change, and promoting healthy relationships void of destructive patterns. 

Patterns are natural; they exist everywhere: architecture, clothing, even in our communication. For good or for bad, we cannot escape patterns. Patterns, such as monthly income or spending, can help us better predict and plan for our future. However, living life in a pattern that leaves us unfulfilled can lead to further discouraging feelings, such as, depression, hopelessness, or frustration.

Who wants to live life in a rut? Or who wants to continue patterns, such as the way we communicate with one another, that do not help? In fact, many times couples enter therapy to work on improving communication patterns to help increase intimacy within their relationship. Another instance is when parents find themselves repeating instructions to their child over and over until the words no longer mean anything.

The following list are ways to help alleviate dissatisfying patterns in your life.

Parent Child Relationship Therapy

For more information, go to www.dbpsychotherapy.com.

Honeymoon destinations

Valentine's Day is filled with happy memories; if you are like me, this is a day you will not soon forget. Each year when February 14th rolls along, I drag out photos from 8 years ago when I was asked, "Will you marry me?"

Congratulations on your engagement and for a memorable Valentine's Day! Putting the task of wedding planning aside, let's talk honeymoon destinations! Traditionally it is the groom who plans and pays for the honeymoon, leaving it as a surprise to the bride. However, more and more couples are enjoying the planning and booking together.

As you plan, whether as a couple or not, here are a few things to consider:

What women want on Valentine's Day

Less than a week away, Valentine's Day is getting a lot of attention. The theme of February is relationships...you will hear it on the news, tv ads, online. Are you ready?

I'm a big fan of Valentine's Day and I always have been. As early as elementary school I remember the joys of decorating a paper bag and going around my playmates' desks and tossing in a Valentine's. Looking back, as a kid, I would strategically select certain conversation hearts for that special kid I had a crush on...secretly hoping he would get the message and like me back.

What do women want on Valentine's Day? Well, this is debatable. Some people say women simply want to hear the words, "I love you," while others like shiny jewels or fancy handbags. What I do know is that each of us, male and female, have certain ways we communicate and interpret affection and love.

How to make your marriage work

We know how to make a marriage work. We've been married for 8 years, while it may not hold as much prestige as say 25 years, it is an accomplishment nonetheless. In the 8 years we've been married, we have learned a lot about each other: what works and what doesn't, what makes us distant from each other and what brings us together.

We watched last week's State of the Union Address. Historically, Democrats sit on one side and Republicans sit on another; it's apparent when the sides disagree with one another. What was unique about this last address was that the two parties sat amongst one another; the visual representation was encouraging. At times, marriage may seem like a State of the Union with each partner sitting on opposite sides, but there are ways to bring both sides together.

Tips to make your marriage work:

It's time to celebrate!

As you may know, not only do we provide therapy services, our primary jobs are teaching in higher education. We moved to Charlotte at the beginning of 2009 to take two faculty positions and a clinic director position in the marriage and family therapy (MFT) program at Pfeiffer University, Charlotte. One of the draws for us was that the MFT program was working on becoming COAMFTE Accredited.

(left to right) Drs. Bitar, Drew, Wong, and Wilkie-McHale

It's official! The program that we have worked so hard for has earned the COAMFTE Accreditation! Pfeiffer University has sent out a press release congratulating our program for achieving such a high honor and status. Our MFT program is 1 out of only 3 in North Carolina and 1 out of 110 in the entire United States. As you can tell, we are pretty proud of being part of this grand achievement!

Ways to combat your fear of change

Who likes change? Trust me, I'm not a huge fan. I am perfectly content once I get into a groove and I am happy for things to roll along...

Life is one of those things where change is inevitable. In all the discomfort that one experiences because of change, I am still grateful for the opportunity to change. There are many moments in our life when we need change. For instance, after evaluating our business and our vision we recognized that as our business needs have evolved so must our business. I was hesitant about this change and I'm still experiencing some discomfort, but at the end of the day I know we are moving in the right direction.

How about you? Where do you need to make changes in your life or relationships? We hope the following 5 tips to combat your fear of change are helpful as you take another step towards to where you want to be.

How to find an effective therapist

Perhaps you seek greater intimacy with your partner or are looking for ways to increase feelings of happiness...now what? Who's going to help you along the way? Working with a qualified professional to reach personal goals is a growing trend for many individuals, couples, and families.

Finding an effective therapist is an important step in the overall therapy process. However, looking for a therapist to work with you can be tricky. If you are going to share personal information about yourself, you want to build a trustworthy relationship, right?

Educate yourself on who you are going to work with by keeping the following 5 things in mind.

Talking to your child about tragedy

With the latest tragedy occurring in Tucson, Arizona, it is a reminder of how loss can occur at any moment. Regardless of the tragic event, whether it be a shooting, a natural disaster, or an act of terror, the result can be devastating and confusing for everyone at every age. 

As adults, we can easily become overwhelmed with grief and sadness. How are children supposed to cope with such feelings that tragedy evokes? Children can become confused, fearful, and anxious when listening about or witnessing a tragic event. The following list focuses on ways to talk with your child about tragedy.