I find that there are always two-sides to an issue, even anger. I know it may be difficult to believe, but as much as anger can be damaging, it can also be a valuable emotion. Anger is a powerful feeling and used destructively, it can tear apart relationships, wound someone to the core, and add to doubt and shame. However, anger can also be an influential tool and when examined carefully, it can guide and motivate us to do something different in a very positive and empowering way.
How do you experience anger?
Some characteristics that are described in the therapy room are:
- I say things that I don't mean.
- I don't even think, but it just comes out.
- My heart starts to race, my head feels hot, and I just fly off the handle. Next thing you know, I'm yelling [at someone].
- I don't even know what I'm angry about. I've just felt this way for such a long time.
- I just bottle it up inside until I can't take anymore.
You are not your anger.
Anger is an emotion. You are made up of many emotions. You are not your anger. You can learn to control the anger.
At first glance, anger can be seen only as a negative emotion. While that may be the case due to its long-term impact or how it is experienced (e.g., shouting, name-calling, character wounding), it is equally valuable to examine what purpose the anger has.
Oftentimes, when I hear, "I say things that I don't mean," the message underneath it may be, "I so desperately want to be heard." Not that yelling is an effective or healthy way to connect with someone, but it is still a way that gets attention and connects. In therapy, couples learn not only about the damaging impact the anger has had in their lives and relationships, but also discover some reasons why the anger is such a powerful force. Learning about those things create space for future healing.
If anger is a prominent emotion in your life, there are some initial steps to lessen its impact on you or reduce any further damage it may have.
5 tips to begin to take control of the anger
1. Remove yourself from a situation. Give yourself space to breathe and calm down.
2. Be curious. What is the anger trying to tell you?
3. Examine people of influence. Who else in your family has a hot head?
4. Target your triggers. How did the anger start? Does it happen every time this situation comes up?
5. Seek professional support. Anger that isn't worked through can lead to more hurt.
Find a clinician in your area to help you and your partner develop healthier ways of dealing with the anger. You can heal from the unhealthy ways anger has impacted your life.
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