Suicide: Tips for parents with grieving tweens

Suicide. The word alone is frightening. It's frightening because it signifies the loss of a person, the loss of relationships, and leaves heartache, confusion, and disbelief in return. According to the Center for Disease Control, suicide was in the top 10 causes of death in the United States in 2010.

I have two middle-schoolers and one elementary-aged child who keep me very active. Each night when we get home from school, I ask them what they learned and what happened. Last night the normal answers, "...so-and-so did this or that" was replaced by, "...there was a student who committed suicide today." Immediately a lump grew in my throat and my eyes became teary. Few words will send chills down the spine or send tears to the eyes of a parent like hearing that your child's classmate has committed suicide. My heart ached for the classmate, for the parents and family, and for our community.

With recent suicides in two area schools, you might find yourself wondering how to explain something like this to your tween, teen, or "young adult."

Tips to having a healthy relationship

Who wants a bad relationship? No one signs up for that, are you kidding?! Most, if not all, of us humans want to be in a good relationship. Humans are social beings and we have a "need to belong" in relationships with others. There are many studies to support this theory of belongingness; you can read a summary of one study here.

Having a deep connection with those we care about is a fundamental need. Here are some basic tips to keep your relationship healthy and to cultivate those deeper connections with others.

6 Essentials to a Healthy Relationship:

1. Being Empathic: The act of empathy is truly understanding how the other person feels. Empathy is different than sympathy. Empathy is sharing in the feeling of another person; you get a sense of how the other person feels. Sympathy is feeling remorse FOR the other person, regardless of what the other person is actually feeling. You can achieve empathy by listening. 
2. Listening. Listening sounds like an easy task, but don't let it deceive you, it takes skill. When you are listening, you are not thinking of what to say next or how you may not agree to what is being said. Listening involves undivided attention and concentration on the person speaking. In sessions I often have partners reflect back what they heard just to make sure what was said was the message received. You'd be surprised at how much time is dedicated to perfecting this skill.
3. Taking ownership: Knowing where your responsibility ends and where the other person's begins is helpful. Each person has ownership in their relationship, which plays hand-in-hand with responsibility. You impact your partner with everything you do and vice-a-versa.
4. Keeping an open stance. This one is as much literal, as it is figurative. If you keep an open mind, there is more space for information, for problem-solving, and for understanding to occur. In addition, it doesn't hurt to be aware of an open body posture. How easy is it to talk with someone who isn't looking at you or has their arms firmly crossed? 
5. Appreciating differences. Honor what makes you both unique. Learn to appreciate how you fill in one another's gaps and can work more effectively as a team. 
6. Imagining another perspective. Couples tend to get stuck when they believe there is only one way to view an event. However, before settling just on the one idea, create two more possible alternatives. Whether or not the options are valid, it gets you in the habit of creating space for other ideas and to not limit yourself or box you in to one idea or reason. 

While these are just some ideas to a healthier relationship, the list is limitless! Your relationship is unique; have fun exploring ways that make your relationship stronger. What are things you do to cultivate deeper connections in your relationship?

If you are starting to integrate these tips and sense that additional support would be helpful, find a therapist near you. Therapists can help you and your partner identify specific areas of growth in your relationship and customize approaches to help you and your partner tap into how you can be more deeply connected.

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See you in session,