Suicide: Tips for parents with grieving tweens

Suicide. The word alone is frightening. It's frightening because it signifies the loss of a person, the loss of relationships, and leaves heartache, confusion, and disbelief in return. According to the Center for Disease Control, suicide was in the top 10 causes of death in the United States in 2010.

I have two middle-schoolers and one elementary-aged child who keep me very active. Each night when we get home from school, I ask them what they learned and what happened. Last night the normal answers, "...so-and-so did this or that" was replaced by, "...there was a student who committed suicide today." Immediately a lump grew in my throat and my eyes became teary. Few words will send chills down the spine or send tears to the eyes of a parent like hearing that your child's classmate has committed suicide. My heart ached for the classmate, for the parents and family, and for our community.

With recent suicides in two area schools, you might find yourself wondering how to explain something like this to your tween, teen, or "young adult."

Here are some tips for parents to help your tween cope with learning about suicide:

• Emotional response is different for each person. It may be your child's first encounter with death and s/he may be experiencing new emotions or thoughts for the first time. For instance, if your tween did not know the person who died, s/he can still have a strong emotional response to the death. Other ways your tween may process grief is physically (e.g., stomach aches, headaches, lethargy), being more distant or retreat to solitude, become involved and active in many activities and tasks, or not show any signs of "typical" grief. How people feel and grieve is a personal experience and may look and be experienced differently.
• As a parent, your heart may be more prone to feelings too. You may empathize or imagine what other parents are experiencing. It is okay for your child to see you cry. In fact, it can help normalize your child's own emotion about the loss that s/he may or may not be comfortable sharing. 
• Be available to your tween. Ask your tween what they know about suicide; take this time to have a conversation with them about serious topics. You will be teaching them that any topic is okay to talk about with you. Within this topic, it is an opportunity for you to talk about ways to problem-solve and that there are numerous ways to address any situation without suicide being one. It is a good reminder for your tween that suicide is a permanent decision and there are plenty of other options to change any situation and you are in their life to help them come up with solutions. 
• Although it may frighten you, ask your tween if s/he has ever thought of suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people between 15-24 years of age. There is power in knowing the well-being of your child and you could play an active role in supporting your child just by asking a question. 
• Process responsibility. With other news of child suicides due to bullying making the national headlines, your tween may wonder if they contributed to their classmate's suicide. Talk with your child about what makes them feel a level of responsiblity. It is common during the adolescent period to have ego-centric thinking, focusing on themselves, and tween and teens may feel a sense of responsiblity for situation that has nothing to do with them. While this thinking is normal, and often compassionate, it may be helpful to help your child distinguish what they are responsible for and what is beyond their control. 
• Do check-ins often. Tweens with a close relationship to the deceased, or those extra-sensitive or anxious, may have a more difficult time dealing with and processing a loss of this magnitude. Continue to check in with your child in the weeks following the event. You may worry that bringing up the topic will only remind them of the loss, but they may already be remembering. By checking in, you are reinforcing the open invitation to talk about their concerns and you are showing your tween that you care.

If you are finding that your child is having difficulty dealing with the loss of a classmate, or you, too, are having difficulty, consider talking with a professional. Counselors are available at schools and are within your community well equipped to provide you and your family support during times of tragedy.

#TherapyWorks

-Breta
breta@dbpsychotherapy.com
704.533.0061