The right way to grieve.

Loss is an inescapable part of life, and grief is a natural part of the healing process. The more obvious reasons for grief are many: the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the onset of a serious illness. However, subtle everyday losses can also cause strong feelings of grief, and often these may go unrecognized: a career change or loss of a job, physical or health issues, a life transition, such as sending your last child to college, the loss of hope or expectation. Whatever the case, grief and loss are no easy tasks for anyone.

Personal grief.
My husband and I are expecting our first child at the beginning of April. We are so excited! Excitement, however, wasn't our only feeling about this pregnancy. I experienced anger and jealousy, shame, and lack of control. Our journey to conceive took a different path than we initially hoped. After more than a year without conceiving, we decided to undergo fertility treatment. I grieved the loss of an ideal process. As a therapist, I often work with individuals, couples, and families overcoming a major loss, but I, too, cannot escape the human-ness of not having things work out the way I had hoped and experiencing the sadness and helplessness that accompanies grief. As difficult as it was experiencing those feelings, it is also difficult admitting that I had those feelings to a virtual audience. Although difficult and as much training I have done to support others through grief and loss, I am not immune.


The right way to grieve.
There is no right way; the grief process is unpredictable and different for everyone. There is no time frame for grieving. It is important to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you experience your unique and personal reaction to each loss. There were days when I saw my husband being his happy-go-lucky self, yet I had to take deep breaths and tell myself that I was okay, hurting or frustrated, but that those feelings were okay. Grief is a personal experience; the path is different for each person even if an event was experienced together.

But it hurts. 
Grief is painful. It does not feel good to be sad or feel in disharmony. We tend to go away from things that hurt us, but with grief, sometimes the best thing to do is to feel. Once we feel we can also begin to heal. Each loss we experience opens up space in our lives that can be filled with something precious and valuable. Once we can move beyond "what was," we may be able to reinvest in "what could be."

If you are experiencing grief, the following tips may help:

• Acknowledge and accept your feelings.
• Find a trustworthy person to confide in, whether that is sharing feelings or your experience of the loss and grief process itself.
• Practice self-compassion. Self-compassion allows yourself to experience your feelings in a non-judgmental way.
• Engage in social activities and events.
• Plan ahead for triggers, such as important dates, holidays, or reminders.
• Express your feelings in a creative way through writing, ritual-making, or drawing. 
• Join a support group.
• Nurish your body with relaxation, sleep, healthy foods, and exercise.

If you feel stuck in your grief, talking to a therapist may help you move forward in the healing process.

Thank you for reading about my grief experience. Because I was able to feel whatever emotion at any given time and offer myself self-compassion, I believe I also have been able to experience great joy throughout the rest of my pregnancy. 

-Ellen

ellen@dbpsychotherapy.com

704.351.8654