I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.

I've been working with clients for over 10 years now; the majority of my work is with couples. If I were to list common themes brought to the therapy room, one would be the evolution of a relationship.

One cannot not change. (I realize I used a double negative; I meant to do that.) You are changing every moment: at the molecular level, your brain is firing synapse and rewiring itself with each piece of information you take in, you are not the same as you were when you were a child, nor will you be the same in 10 years. As humans, it is inevitable that we change. Why would our relationships be any different?

Your relationship with your partner changed from how it was as a first date, to the time you fully committed to one another, to the day-in-and-day-out-here-comes-another-anniversary. Without deliberate, intentional work on a regular basis, your relationship may suffer. Like anything else, because relationships change, they also take continual work to maintain, improve, and to thoroughly enjoy.

I've heard many couples say to one another, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." From the time the two have met until this moment, something has significantly changed; the relationship has evolved.

The power of a compliment

My mom & me at Disneyland

There are some lessons in life that make you a better person. 

Here's mine...

Apparently when I was little, I didn't give compliments. Granted, I enjoyed receiving them, but I never gave them. One day my mom said, "Faith, you don't give compliments to people. Do you like things or notice things?" Of course I did. She went on, "...well then, I want you to give at least one compliment a day."

Such a simple, yet profound lesson. From that lesson, I made a conscious effort to give one compliment a day. It was easier to compliment people I knew. Eventually, however, I found myself complimenting strangers. I remember walking out of a store and the windows were spotless. Not a fingerprint in sight! I appreciate cleanliness, believe me, and at a busy store, well, that is just unheard of. There was an employee cleaning the glass and I stopped and mentioned, "It looks good. Nice job." I felt a little nervous, but once I saw the employee smile back at me I realized compliments are a great way to feel connected. Family, friends, strangers...we all like a compliment now and then. To this day, I find myself commenting on something I notice and it feels good to make a meaningful connection with another person, even for a brief moment.

The power of a compliment.

Slow down in a fast paced world

In this season of New Year's goals and resolutions, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the things we should be doing. 

I should be getting more exercise. 

I should be cooking in healthier ways. 

I should manage my time better. 

I should budget more efficiently.

Any of those ring true for you? We live in a society that values being busy. People take pride in how productive they are, how many family activities they are involved in, and attending various social events. Those things are worth valuing, but at times staying busy can become a detriment to yourself and your relationships with others. 

Our inner dialogue may encourage us to stay busy: 

If I am busy, I am using my time wisely. 

If I am busy, I am valuable and worthy. 

If I am busy, I am creating a better future. 

If I am busy, I matter. 

For many of us, it may feel uncomfortable, even distressing to relax and take a break. 

Selina Wang of Harvard Univeristy writes a terrific article, "Why are we so busy?" highlighting the "frenzy of productivity." She writes, 
"The frenzy of productiveness is a safe haven where we are so busy that there is no time to question the motives of what we are doing, or to wonder what to do with a moment of reprieve. Filling up every second gives us a sense of securtiy that we are beign successful and working towards something." 

We need space to do the things we enjoy. We need time to spend with the people and things we love. We need opportunities to take a break, disconnect our minds, and experience the world with curiosity and wonder. Wouldn't it be nice to spend a few moments doing nothing? Here are three simple things you can easily incorporate into your busy life to take it easy.

The benefits of a therapy dog

Meet Rocky.
Breed: Westie
Age: 2

He is a lover of staying warm (space heater is his new best friend), keeping an eye on the neighborhood, and enjoying de-stuffing plush toys. Besides living the great life of being a dog, he was destined to do more.

After reading story after story about healing, comfort, and joy brought to so many people's lives through therapy dogs and seeing that our profession is therapy, I wondered whether or not Rocky had it in him to follow suit. Like parents, like pup.

Become a Prepare-Enrich Facilitator

Help couples strengthen their relationship.

Are you a mental health clinician, clergy, or a mentor? This training is for you!

If you are interested in becoming a Prepare-Enrich Facilitator, I will be leading a 1-day training in Charlotte, NC, on Saturday, February 22, 2014 from 10am-4pm. 7 CEUs are available.

Cost is $175. Student rates available. Please email me at drdrew@dbpsychotherapy.com for more information.

Click here to register. Registration deadline is February 12, 2014; no late registrants accepted.  Space is limited.

See you at the training,

Meet Ellen Wilson, MA, LMFTA

Meet Ellen:

Hello, I'm Ellen. I have been enjoying my work with the group at Drew|Bitar, PLLC for the past several months and continue looking forward to what 2014 has to offer. 

I am a provisionally licensed marriage and family therapist in North Carolina. I have a particular interest in couple’s therapy, focusing on the family-of-origin and attachment styles of each individual. I graduated from Davidson College in 2007 and from Pfeiffer University's rigorous three-year marriage and family therapy graduate program in 2013. My intensive training included marital and family therapy, individual counseling, crisis counseling, and therapy with children and adolescents. I have worked as a therapist at the Pfeiffer Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy and at the Ronald McDonald House, both located in Charlotte, North Carolina. Before earning my graduate degree, I worked for five years at Thompson Child and Family Focus, a Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility for children and adolescents.

I view therapy as a collaborative process, and strive to provide a warm, comfortable, and non-judgmental therapeutic environment. I do not strictly adhere to one therapeutic framework, but instead consider myself an eclectic therapist. I use cognitive-behavioral therapy, narrative therapy, emotion-focused therapy, and solution-focused family therapy techniques, among others. I am a believer in an attachment-based view of relationships, and believe that insight into our pasts, including our families-of-origin, can help us heal unhealthy patterns that exist in our lives today.

Please contact me at ellen@dbpsychotherapy.com or 704.351.8654 to schedule an appointment. 

-Ellen Wilson, MA, LMFTA

Unplugged Challenge: Put down your mobile device

Lemon Cheesecake
with Raspberries

Recently I stumbled upon an article in the New York Times on the idea that culturally we're disengaged from being in the moment. I originally thought it was going to be an article on how cool it is to document your life. Although it didn't take that spin on things it was inspiring enough to bring attention to how to create space in your life to stay connected to those around you in real time, in the real moment, face-to-face...like our grandparents and parents did.

On New Year's Eve, my husband (Dr. Bitar) and I (remember, we're married) went to dinner and spent a lovely 2 full hours talking, eating, and only picked up our phones to take a photo to, well, document the evening. Just look at that dessert. Could you blame us?

Reflecting on that evening, we concluded that being in the moment together was a lost art and a lost joy. Conversation was engrossing, especially when there was no "ding" sounding from our phones to distract or interrupt us. I loved it! Being unplugged was awesome.