Ways to manage your anger

How does your anger influence you? 

I find that there are always two-sides to an issue, even anger. I know it may be difficult to believe, but as much as anger can be damaging, it can also be a valuable emotion. Anger is a powerful feeling and used destructively, it can tear apart relationships, wound someone to the core, and add to doubt and shame. However, anger can also be an influential tool and when examined carefully, it can guide and motivate us to do something different in a very positive and empowering way.

How do you experience anger?

Some characteristics that are described in the therapy room are:

• I say things that I don't mean. 
• I don't even think, but it just comes out. 
• My heart starts to race, my head feels hot, and I just fly off the handle. Next thing you know, I'm yelling [at someone].
• I don't even know what I'm angry about. I've just felt this way for such a long time.
• I just bottle it up inside until I can't take anymore. 

You are not your anger.

Anger is an emotion. You are made up of many emotions. You are not your anger. You can learn to control the anger. 

At first glance, anger can be seen only as a negative emotion. While that may be the case due to its long-term impact or how it is experienced (e.g., shouting, name-calling, character wounding), it is equally valuable to examine what purpose the anger has. 

Oftentimes, when I hear, "I say things that I don't mean," the message underneath it may be, "I so desperately want to be heard." Not that yelling is an effective or healthy way to connect with someone, but it is still a way that gets attention and connects. In therapy, couples learn not only about the damaging impact the anger has had in their lives and relationships, but also discover some reasons why the anger is such a powerful force. Learning about those things create space for future healing.

If anger is a prominent emotion in your life, there are some initial steps to lessen its impact on you or reduce any further damage it may have.

5 tips to begin to take control of the anger

1. Remove yourself from a situation. Give yourself space to breathe and calm down.
2. Be curious. What is the anger trying to tell you?
3. Examine people of influence. Who else in your family has a hot head?
4. Target your triggers. How did the anger start? Does it happen every time this situation comes up?
5. Seek professional support. Anger that isn't worked through can lead to more hurt.

Find a clinician in your area to help you and your partner develop healthier ways of dealing with the anger. You can heal from the unhealthy ways anger has impacted your life.

#TherapyWorks

See you in session,

The right way to grieve.

Loss is an inescapable part of life, and grief is a natural part of the healing process. The more obvious reasons for grief are many: the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the onset of a serious illness. However, subtle everyday losses can also cause strong feelings of grief, and often these may go unrecognized: a career change or loss of a job, physical or health issues, a life transition, such as sending your last child to college, the loss of hope or expectation. Whatever the case, grief and loss are no easy tasks for anyone.

Personal grief.
My husband and I are expecting our first child at the beginning of April. We are so excited! Excitement, however, wasn't our only feeling about this pregnancy. I experienced anger and jealousy, shame, and lack of control. Our journey to conceive took a different path than we initially hoped. After more than a year without conceiving, we decided to undergo fertility treatment. I grieved the loss of an ideal process. As a therapist, I often work with individuals, couples, and families overcoming a major loss, but I, too, cannot escape the human-ness of not having things work out the way I had hoped and experiencing the sadness and helplessness that accompanies grief. As difficult as it was experiencing those feelings, it is also difficult admitting that I had those feelings to a virtual audience. Although difficult and as much training I have done to support others through grief and loss, I am not immune.

Suicide: Tips for parents with grieving tweens

Suicide. The word alone is frightening. It's frightening because it signifies the loss of a person, the loss of relationships, and leaves heartache, confusion, and disbelief in return. According to the Center for Disease Control, suicide was in the top 10 causes of death in the United States in 2010.

I have two middle-schoolers and one elementary-aged child who keep me very active. Each night when we get home from school, I ask them what they learned and what happened. Last night the normal answers, "...so-and-so did this or that" was replaced by, "...there was a student who committed suicide today." Immediately a lump grew in my throat and my eyes became teary. Few words will send chills down the spine or send tears to the eyes of a parent like hearing that your child's classmate has committed suicide. My heart ached for the classmate, for the parents and family, and for our community.

With recent suicides in two area schools, you might find yourself wondering how to explain something like this to your tween, teen, or "young adult."

Tips to having a healthy relationship

Who wants a bad relationship? No one signs up for that, are you kidding?! Most, if not all, of us humans want to be in a good relationship. Humans are social beings and we have a "need to belong" in relationships with others. There are many studies to support this theory of belongingness; you can read a summary of one study here.

Having a deep connection with those we care about is a fundamental need. Here are some basic tips to keep your relationship healthy and to cultivate those deeper connections with others.

6 Essentials to a Healthy Relationship:

1. Being Empathic: The act of empathy is truly understanding how the other person feels. Empathy is different than sympathy. Empathy is sharing in the feeling of another person; you get a sense of how the other person feels. Sympathy is feeling remorse FOR the other person, regardless of what the other person is actually feeling. You can achieve empathy by listening. 
2. Listening. Listening sounds like an easy task, but don't let it deceive you, it takes skill. When you are listening, you are not thinking of what to say next or how you may not agree to what is being said. Listening involves undivided attention and concentration on the person speaking. In sessions I often have partners reflect back what they heard just to make sure what was said was the message received. You'd be surprised at how much time is dedicated to perfecting this skill.
3. Taking ownership: Knowing where your responsibility ends and where the other person's begins is helpful. Each person has ownership in their relationship, which plays hand-in-hand with responsibility. You impact your partner with everything you do and vice-a-versa.
4. Keeping an open stance. This one is as much literal, as it is figurative. If you keep an open mind, there is more space for information, for problem-solving, and for understanding to occur. In addition, it doesn't hurt to be aware of an open body posture. How easy is it to talk with someone who isn't looking at you or has their arms firmly crossed? 
5. Appreciating differences. Honor what makes you both unique. Learn to appreciate how you fill in one another's gaps and can work more effectively as a team. 
6. Imagining another perspective. Couples tend to get stuck when they believe there is only one way to view an event. However, before settling just on the one idea, create two more possible alternatives. Whether or not the options are valid, it gets you in the habit of creating space for other ideas and to not limit yourself or box you in to one idea or reason. 

While these are just some ideas to a healthier relationship, the list is limitless! Your relationship is unique; have fun exploring ways that make your relationship stronger. What are things you do to cultivate deeper connections in your relationship?

If you are starting to integrate these tips and sense that additional support would be helpful, find a therapist near you. Therapists can help you and your partner identify specific areas of growth in your relationship and customize approaches to help you and your partner tap into how you can be more deeply connected.

#TherapyWorks

See you in session,

I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.

I've been working with clients for over 10 years now; the majority of my work is with couples. If I were to list common themes brought to the therapy room, one would be the evolution of a relationship.

One cannot not change. (I realize I used a double negative; I meant to do that.) You are changing every moment: at the molecular level, your brain is firing synapse and rewiring itself with each piece of information you take in, you are not the same as you were when you were a child, nor will you be the same in 10 years. As humans, it is inevitable that we change. Why would our relationships be any different?

Your relationship with your partner changed from how it was as a first date, to the time you fully committed to one another, to the day-in-and-day-out-here-comes-another-anniversary. Without deliberate, intentional work on a regular basis, your relationship may suffer. Like anything else, because relationships change, they also take continual work to maintain, improve, and to thoroughly enjoy.

I've heard many couples say to one another, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." From the time the two have met until this moment, something has significantly changed; the relationship has evolved.

The power of a compliment

My mom & me at Disneyland

There are some lessons in life that make you a better person. 

Here's mine...

Apparently when I was little, I didn't give compliments. Granted, I enjoyed receiving them, but I never gave them. One day my mom said, "Faith, you don't give compliments to people. Do you like things or notice things?" Of course I did. She went on, "...well then, I want you to give at least one compliment a day."

Such a simple, yet profound lesson. From that lesson, I made a conscious effort to give one compliment a day. It was easier to compliment people I knew. Eventually, however, I found myself complimenting strangers. I remember walking out of a store and the windows were spotless. Not a fingerprint in sight! I appreciate cleanliness, believe me, and at a busy store, well, that is just unheard of. There was an employee cleaning the glass and I stopped and mentioned, "It looks good. Nice job." I felt a little nervous, but once I saw the employee smile back at me I realized compliments are a great way to feel connected. Family, friends, strangers...we all like a compliment now and then. To this day, I find myself commenting on something I notice and it feels good to make a meaningful connection with another person, even for a brief moment.

The power of a compliment.

Slow down in a fast paced world

In this season of New Year's goals and resolutions, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the things we should be doing. 

I should be getting more exercise. 

I should be cooking in healthier ways. 

I should manage my time better. 

I should budget more efficiently.

Any of those ring true for you? We live in a society that values being busy. People take pride in how productive they are, how many family activities they are involved in, and attending various social events. Those things are worth valuing, but at times staying busy can become a detriment to yourself and your relationships with others. 

Our inner dialogue may encourage us to stay busy: 

If I am busy, I am using my time wisely. 

If I am busy, I am valuable and worthy. 

If I am busy, I am creating a better future. 

If I am busy, I matter. 

For many of us, it may feel uncomfortable, even distressing to relax and take a break. 

Selina Wang of Harvard Univeristy writes a terrific article, "Why are we so busy?" highlighting the "frenzy of productivity." She writes, 
"The frenzy of productiveness is a safe haven where we are so busy that there is no time to question the motives of what we are doing, or to wonder what to do with a moment of reprieve. Filling up every second gives us a sense of securtiy that we are beign successful and working towards something." 

We need space to do the things we enjoy. We need time to spend with the people and things we love. We need opportunities to take a break, disconnect our minds, and experience the world with curiosity and wonder. Wouldn't it be nice to spend a few moments doing nothing? Here are three simple things you can easily incorporate into your busy life to take it easy.