Tips to having a healthy relationship

Who wants a bad relationship? No one signs up for that, are you kidding?! Most, if not all, of us humans want to be in a good relationship. Humans are social beings and we have a "need to belong" in relationships with others. There are many studies to support this theory of belongingness; you can read a summary of one study here.

Having a deep connection with those we care about is a fundamental need. Here are some basic tips to keep your relationship healthy and to cultivate those deeper connections with others.

6 Essentials to a Healthy Relationship:

1. Being Empathic: The act of empathy is truly understanding how the other person feels. Empathy is different than sympathy. Empathy is sharing in the feeling of another person; you get a sense of how the other person feels. Sympathy is feeling remorse FOR the other person, regardless of what the other person is actually feeling. You can achieve empathy by listening. 
2. Listening. Listening sounds like an easy task, but don't let it deceive you, it takes skill. When you are listening, you are not thinking of what to say next or how you may not agree to what is being said. Listening involves undivided attention and concentration on the person speaking. In sessions I often have partners reflect back what they heard just to make sure what was said was the message received. You'd be surprised at how much time is dedicated to perfecting this skill.
3. Taking ownership: Knowing where your responsibility ends and where the other person's begins is helpful. Each person has ownership in their relationship, which plays hand-in-hand with responsibility. You impact your partner with everything you do and vice-a-versa.
4. Keeping an open stance. This one is as much literal, as it is figurative. If you keep an open mind, there is more space for information, for problem-solving, and for understanding to occur. In addition, it doesn't hurt to be aware of an open body posture. How easy is it to talk with someone who isn't looking at you or has their arms firmly crossed? 
5. Appreciating differences. Honor what makes you both unique. Learn to appreciate how you fill in one another's gaps and can work more effectively as a team. 
6. Imagining another perspective. Couples tend to get stuck when they believe there is only one way to view an event. However, before settling just on the one idea, create two more possible alternatives. Whether or not the options are valid, it gets you in the habit of creating space for other ideas and to not limit yourself or box you in to one idea or reason. 

While these are just some ideas to a healthier relationship, the list is limitless! Your relationship is unique; have fun exploring ways that make your relationship stronger. What are things you do to cultivate deeper connections in your relationship?

If you are starting to integrate these tips and sense that additional support would be helpful, find a therapist near you. Therapists can help you and your partner identify specific areas of growth in your relationship and customize approaches to help you and your partner tap into how you can be more deeply connected.

#TherapyWorks

See you in session,

I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.

I've been working with clients for over 10 years now; the majority of my work is with couples. If I were to list common themes brought to the therapy room, one would be the evolution of a relationship.

One cannot not change. (I realize I used a double negative; I meant to do that.) You are changing every moment: at the molecular level, your brain is firing synapse and rewiring itself with each piece of information you take in, you are not the same as you were when you were a child, nor will you be the same in 10 years. As humans, it is inevitable that we change. Why would our relationships be any different?

Your relationship with your partner changed from how it was as a first date, to the time you fully committed to one another, to the day-in-and-day-out-here-comes-another-anniversary. Without deliberate, intentional work on a regular basis, your relationship may suffer. Like anything else, because relationships change, they also take continual work to maintain, improve, and to thoroughly enjoy.

I've heard many couples say to one another, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." From the time the two have met until this moment, something has significantly changed; the relationship has evolved.

When "I'm sorry" just isn't enough

What do you do when you mess up, hurt someone's feelings, or offend your partner? Do you become defensive, disengage, or attack? As humans, we are bound to mess up and, at the same time, we can make things right. However, making things better doesn't always come easy.

One factor in making things better is an apology. In my experience, I've come across 5 different types of people when it comes to apologies (this is not an exhaustive list nor has it been verified by research, these are my own descriptions):

• The Over-Apologizer
• The "I'm-sorry-BUT..."
• The "I'm-sorry-IF..."
• The Never Apologizer
• The Sincere Apologizer

March Madness, Play Fair

Typically we don't watch tv, but for the last week our eyes have been glued to the screen! It's March Madness, one of our favorite times of the year...one of the NCAA regional tournaments has been housed in our very own Time Warner Arena in Charlotte! Talk about exciting!

One of the best parts about the games is the nail biting finish watching players throw last minute shots to break a tie, separating the winning team from the losing team. Basketball is an amazing sport, highlighting talented players!

Relationships can learn from the basketball play books. The secret to having a winning team is in preparation, practice, and playing fair. The following three tips show how relationships can grow from the same strategies that college basketball players use to improve their game and strengthen their teamwork.

What women want on Valentine's Day

Less than a week away, Valentine's Day is getting a lot of attention. The theme of February is relationships...you will hear it on the news, tv ads, online. Are you ready?

I'm a big fan of Valentine's Day and I always have been. As early as elementary school I remember the joys of decorating a paper bag and going around my playmates' desks and tossing in a Valentine's. Looking back, as a kid, I would strategically select certain conversation hearts for that special kid I had a crush on...secretly hoping he would get the message and like me back.

What do women want on Valentine's Day? Well, this is debatable. Some people say women simply want to hear the words, "I love you," while others like shiny jewels or fancy handbags. What I do know is that each of us, male and female, have certain ways we communicate and interpret affection and love.

How to make your marriage work

We know how to make a marriage work. We've been married for 8 years, while it may not hold as much prestige as say 25 years, it is an accomplishment nonetheless. In the 8 years we've been married, we have learned a lot about each other: what works and what doesn't, what makes us distant from each other and what brings us together.

We watched last week's State of the Union Address. Historically, Democrats sit on one side and Republicans sit on another; it's apparent when the sides disagree with one another. What was unique about this last address was that the two parties sat amongst one another; the visual representation was encouraging. At times, marriage may seem like a State of the Union with each partner sitting on opposite sides, but there are ways to bring both sides together.

Tips to make your marriage work: