Ways to manage your anger

How does your anger influence you? 

I find that there are always two-sides to an issue, even anger. I know it may be difficult to believe, but as much as anger can be damaging, it can also be a valuable emotion. Anger is a powerful feeling and used destructively, it can tear apart relationships, wound someone to the core, and add to doubt and shame. However, anger can also be an influential tool and when examined carefully, it can guide and motivate us to do something different in a very positive and empowering way.

How do you experience anger?

Some characteristics that are described in the therapy room are:

• I say things that I don't mean. 
• I don't even think, but it just comes out. 
• My heart starts to race, my head feels hot, and I just fly off the handle. Next thing you know, I'm yelling [at someone].
• I don't even know what I'm angry about. I've just felt this way for such a long time.
• I just bottle it up inside until I can't take anymore. 

You are not your anger.

Anger is an emotion. You are made up of many emotions. You are not your anger. You can learn to control the anger. 

At first glance, anger can be seen only as a negative emotion. While that may be the case due to its long-term impact or how it is experienced (e.g., shouting, name-calling, character wounding), it is equally valuable to examine what purpose the anger has. 

Oftentimes, when I hear, "I say things that I don't mean," the message underneath it may be, "I so desperately want to be heard." Not that yelling is an effective or healthy way to connect with someone, but it is still a way that gets attention and connects. In therapy, couples learn not only about the damaging impact the anger has had in their lives and relationships, but also discover some reasons why the anger is such a powerful force. Learning about those things create space for future healing.

If anger is a prominent emotion in your life, there are some initial steps to lessen its impact on you or reduce any further damage it may have.

5 tips to begin to take control of the anger

1. Remove yourself from a situation. Give yourself space to breathe and calm down.
2. Be curious. What is the anger trying to tell you?
3. Examine people of influence. Who else in your family has a hot head?
4. Target your triggers. How did the anger start? Does it happen every time this situation comes up?
5. Seek professional support. Anger that isn't worked through can lead to more hurt.

Find a clinician in your area to help you and your partner develop healthier ways of dealing with the anger. You can heal from the unhealthy ways anger has impacted your life.

#TherapyWorks

See you in session,

Tips to having a healthy relationship

Who wants a bad relationship? No one signs up for that, are you kidding?! Most, if not all, of us humans want to be in a good relationship. Humans are social beings and we have a "need to belong" in relationships with others. There are many studies to support this theory of belongingness; you can read a summary of one study here.

Having a deep connection with those we care about is a fundamental need. Here are some basic tips to keep your relationship healthy and to cultivate those deeper connections with others.

6 Essentials to a Healthy Relationship:

1. Being Empathic: The act of empathy is truly understanding how the other person feels. Empathy is different than sympathy. Empathy is sharing in the feeling of another person; you get a sense of how the other person feels. Sympathy is feeling remorse FOR the other person, regardless of what the other person is actually feeling. You can achieve empathy by listening. 
2. Listening. Listening sounds like an easy task, but don't let it deceive you, it takes skill. When you are listening, you are not thinking of what to say next or how you may not agree to what is being said. Listening involves undivided attention and concentration on the person speaking. In sessions I often have partners reflect back what they heard just to make sure what was said was the message received. You'd be surprised at how much time is dedicated to perfecting this skill.
3. Taking ownership: Knowing where your responsibility ends and where the other person's begins is helpful. Each person has ownership in their relationship, which plays hand-in-hand with responsibility. You impact your partner with everything you do and vice-a-versa.
4. Keeping an open stance. This one is as much literal, as it is figurative. If you keep an open mind, there is more space for information, for problem-solving, and for understanding to occur. In addition, it doesn't hurt to be aware of an open body posture. How easy is it to talk with someone who isn't looking at you or has their arms firmly crossed? 
5. Appreciating differences. Honor what makes you both unique. Learn to appreciate how you fill in one another's gaps and can work more effectively as a team. 
6. Imagining another perspective. Couples tend to get stuck when they believe there is only one way to view an event. However, before settling just on the one idea, create two more possible alternatives. Whether or not the options are valid, it gets you in the habit of creating space for other ideas and to not limit yourself or box you in to one idea or reason. 

While these are just some ideas to a healthier relationship, the list is limitless! Your relationship is unique; have fun exploring ways that make your relationship stronger. What are things you do to cultivate deeper connections in your relationship?

If you are starting to integrate these tips and sense that additional support would be helpful, find a therapist near you. Therapists can help you and your partner identify specific areas of growth in your relationship and customize approaches to help you and your partner tap into how you can be more deeply connected.

#TherapyWorks

See you in session,

I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.

I've been working with clients for over 10 years now; the majority of my work is with couples. If I were to list common themes brought to the therapy room, one would be the evolution of a relationship.

One cannot not change. (I realize I used a double negative; I meant to do that.) You are changing every moment: at the molecular level, your brain is firing synapse and rewiring itself with each piece of information you take in, you are not the same as you were when you were a child, nor will you be the same in 10 years. As humans, it is inevitable that we change. Why would our relationships be any different?

Your relationship with your partner changed from how it was as a first date, to the time you fully committed to one another, to the day-in-and-day-out-here-comes-another-anniversary. Without deliberate, intentional work on a regular basis, your relationship may suffer. Like anything else, because relationships change, they also take continual work to maintain, improve, and to thoroughly enjoy.

I've heard many couples say to one another, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." From the time the two have met until this moment, something has significantly changed; the relationship has evolved.

The power of a compliment

My mom & me at Disneyland

There are some lessons in life that make you a better person. 

Here's mine...

Apparently when I was little, I didn't give compliments. Granted, I enjoyed receiving them, but I never gave them. One day my mom said, "Faith, you don't give compliments to people. Do you like things or notice things?" Of course I did. She went on, "...well then, I want you to give at least one compliment a day."

Such a simple, yet profound lesson. From that lesson, I made a conscious effort to give one compliment a day. It was easier to compliment people I knew. Eventually, however, I found myself complimenting strangers. I remember walking out of a store and the windows were spotless. Not a fingerprint in sight! I appreciate cleanliness, believe me, and at a busy store, well, that is just unheard of. There was an employee cleaning the glass and I stopped and mentioned, "It looks good. Nice job." I felt a little nervous, but once I saw the employee smile back at me I realized compliments are a great way to feel connected. Family, friends, strangers...we all like a compliment now and then. To this day, I find myself commenting on something I notice and it feels good to make a meaningful connection with another person, even for a brief moment.

The power of a compliment.

Become a Prepare-Enrich Facilitator

Help couples strengthen their relationship.

Are you a mental health clinician, clergy, or a mentor? This training is for you!

If you are interested in becoming a Prepare-Enrich Facilitator, I will be leading a 1-day training in Charlotte, NC, on Saturday, February 22, 2014 from 10am-4pm. 7 CEUs are available.

Cost is $175. Student rates available. Please email me at drdrew@dbpsychotherapy.com for more information.

Click here to register. Registration deadline is February 12, 2014; no late registrants accepted.  Space is limited.

See you at the training,

Unplugged Challenge: Put down your mobile device

Lemon Cheesecake
with Raspberries

Recently I stumbled upon an article in the New York Times on the idea that culturally we're disengaged from being in the moment. I originally thought it was going to be an article on how cool it is to document your life. Although it didn't take that spin on things it was inspiring enough to bring attention to how to create space in your life to stay connected to those around you in real time, in the real moment, face-to-face...like our grandparents and parents did.

On New Year's Eve, my husband (Dr. Bitar) and I (remember, we're married) went to dinner and spent a lovely 2 full hours talking, eating, and only picked up our phones to take a photo to, well, document the evening. Just look at that dessert. Could you blame us?

Reflecting on that evening, we concluded that being in the moment together was a lost art and a lost joy. Conversation was engrossing, especially when there was no "ding" sounding from our phones to distract or interrupt us. I loved it! Being unplugged was awesome.

Develop good listening skills

Do you have what it takes to be a good listener? It isn't as easy as you think and it doesn't always come naturally. However, with a little concentration and intention, you can improve your listening skills in as little as five steps.

5 Tips to good listening skills

When "I'm sorry" just isn't enough

What do you do when you mess up, hurt someone's feelings, or offend your partner? Do you become defensive, disengage, or attack? As humans, we are bound to mess up and, at the same time, we can make things right. However, making things better doesn't always come easy.

One factor in making things better is an apology. In my experience, I've come across 5 different types of people when it comes to apologies (this is not an exhaustive list nor has it been verified by research, these are my own descriptions):

• The Over-Apologizer
• The "I'm-sorry-BUT..."
• The "I'm-sorry-IF..."
• The Never Apologizer
• The Sincere Apologizer

March Madness, Play Fair

Typically we don't watch tv, but for the last week our eyes have been glued to the screen! It's March Madness, one of our favorite times of the year...one of the NCAA regional tournaments has been housed in our very own Time Warner Arena in Charlotte! Talk about exciting!

One of the best parts about the games is the nail biting finish watching players throw last minute shots to break a tie, separating the winning team from the losing team. Basketball is an amazing sport, highlighting talented players!

Relationships can learn from the basketball play books. The secret to having a winning team is in preparation, practice, and playing fair. The following three tips show how relationships can grow from the same strategies that college basketball players use to improve their game and strengthen their teamwork.